Things you shoulda, woulda, coulda, can’t, won’t, and want to say

I’ve touched on different ways to approach people who have lost a loved one- but i want to emphasize something if you haven’t caught onto this already: There is NO CORRECT OR INCORRECT THING TO SAY TO SOMEONE WHO HAS LOST A LOVED ONE. I’m serious- there are things that they might not take to, or like, but nothing is “wrong.” No one knows what the fuck to say. I don’t even know. When I find out people I know have lost their dad I get excited and yell “DDG” which is the dead dad gang. Then I remember that they might not respond very well to that, and immediately bring myself down and apologize. A typical response is usually “i’m sorry” to which I usually respond with “it’s okay it’s not your fault” which to me is hilarious but typing it out right now I realize it’s super messed up. But it’s true! None of this is your fault unless you killed him and I know you didn’t so it’s ok! (Ruby veto-d this sentence at first so let me know your thoughts.) As your distance with your lost one grows, the reaction and perceptiveness to the subject changes. The vulnerability will fluctuate on a daily basis, and no one knows what to say. There’s probably hundreds of books out there on “what you should say” but I can guarantee you they’re probably crap. Just like this article! Because I am literally just telling you- if you know the person who is grieving, you can figure out what they need you to say ( or not say.) When my dad first passed away I believed that I wanted to hear apologies, and while they all come from immensely sincere and loving places, I learned as time went on that I didn’t need “sorry for your loss” I needed “ I bet he was a great guy” I needed to hear responses about his life, not his death. When you apologize for a death you make their entire existence about their death, and disregard the entire part of their life. Most of the time the subject of losing a lost one does not come up randomly (if anyone has randomly blurted in a conversation about tomatoes that their dad is dead with no context- try asking them if he had any relation to what you were talking about. He probably loved tomatoes.) Usually when I bring my dad up it’s to tell a story about him pertaining to the subject, it’s still the same conversation we were having but I mentioned my father, who happens to be dead. Sometimes the strongest responses actually are unspoken gestures. All we want is a response that doesn’t result in us having to cushion the conversation instead. Sometimes smiles and hugs are all that is needed- sometimes it’s not! You will say something that may not feel like the “correct” response, I will say something that isn’t the “correct” response, but you gave us the opportunity to talk about something that not a lot of people are talking about, so thank you. If you’re ballsy, just ask them how they want you to respond. They might not even know what they want. Don’t kick yourself in the head if you feel like it was awkward, this world is really hard to navigate.