You get to find someone new to love; I don’t get a new father

My mom waited five years before she started to date again. At the time, I thought this was still not enough and that she should honestly never date someone again. Whenever people asked me if I was happy for her, immediately I would respond, “ why does she need a boyfriend? She has us? And two dogs?” I was upset and extremely scared that someone new was entering her life- and ours. I resisted, and denied it was actually happening. I refused to let someone else into our family, our home, our life. We lost our dad and that’s it, it’s over. I never made contact with her boyfriend and became insanely uncomfortable whenever he was in our home- forcing him to knock when he came over, almost not allowing him to enter for about a year. Making comments to my mom like, “ if he knocks at the door I’ll tell him ‘No solicitors allowed.” I told my mom from the beginning “he is apart of your life, but he is not a part of mine.” After being off to college this year, I returned very thrown off by how much my mom’s relationship had escalated. He had a key to our house and was welcoming himself in. He was coming to family events, neighborhood parties, dinner with close friends. I kept getting angry I wasn’t notified, believing that this all should revolve around me. I lost my father and you are not respecting how I feel about it. My mom and I couldn’t figure out how to understand each other’s point of view-which led us to very hostile arguments. Her screaming about how rude it is and how she’s finally happy after years of losing our dad- me- angry and disgusted that should could replace him. He isn’t replacing him though. He’s filling in for what he did. He is there to keep my mom company, and love her, and give her someone to laugh with, and someone to help fix things around the house, and someone to cook with. He isn’t there to be our dad, or take care of us, or our dogs, or move into our life. He still is a part of her life, he still does not need to be a part of ours. Parents of children who have lost fathers- please remember that we are young and it’s hard for us to process things, we will always be hurt and angry, but we love you, and we understand. It’s never going to be easy and I will never look at my mom’s boyfriend as anyone but her boyfriend. I don’t like when they make jokes about having sex, I don’t like when she claims my dog loves him, I don’t like when she invites him to places and doesn’t tell me, but this is life. My mom waited a long time to date someone- and although it’ll never feel long enough for me, she respects what I ask immensely, and I know I can only do the same. For widows there is an expectation to be sad and grieve and never be with anyone else as a sign of respect. Not so you are miserable, or alone. But because you are not the only one who lost someone. People lost their son, their brother, their dad, their friend, and that is not something you can just replace. Everyone needs time, and you NEED to understand that our anger for you is not from a place of insult, it’s from a place of sadness. I am sad I will never get my father back, this man will never be my father, He is in places my father was, with people my father loved, this drastic shift is something I will never be used to, and I’m sorry. I am learning, we all are learning. When I get mad at my father’s friends it’s also coming from a place of fear. I am scared you’re replacing the memories of my dad with new ones of my mom and her boyfriend. Everyone has been so accepting of him and it took me a while to realize this was a good thing. I don’t want him to be uncomfortable. I want my neighbors and friends and family to love him. But don’t love him like you loved my father, he’s not my father. Stop asking why I didn’t like him- it had nothing to do with him, it had to do with my dad. Stop asking if I like him now- I do. Frankly, it doesn’t even matter if I like him, my mom does. My mom is happy, and has company, and someone to hang out with while we’re at college. You don’t need to remind me that she needs someone- I know she does. Because while she’s the strongest, most badass single mother ever, it doesn’t mean she has to be alone. It’s going to be hard, forever. I always give my mom updates on how I feel about her dating. I feel extremely upset that there’s no photos of my dad in her room anymore. But it’s a sign of respect. I get it now. I’m really hurt that other widows talk down on their kids for not accepting their relationships. Again, we don’t understand you, you don’t understand us. Don’t use a family member’s death to talk about how anyone else except YOU feel. I do not know how anyone else feels, and neither do you.